All-Purpose Research Citations

For our parents, gathering information meant hours in the library, poring over dog-eared concordances. Nowadays, the easiest part of doing a research paper is doing the research. All we have to do today is click a button in a Web browser and then wait an hour while it downloads a picture of a naked lady stuffing a seal full of walnuts.

But, now as then, the hardest part of research is the citations. Putting in all those pesky little footnotes, endnotes, and bibliographical references can really slow a writer down.

For that reason, Nuclear Flatworms, Inc. provides the following useful citations and footnotes, suitable for a variety of academic papers.

  1. Ibid.

  2. Ibid.

  3. Op cit.

  4. Koblinger, writing in the Review of Anxiety, offers another hypothesis: that many of the animals found in Lincoln's pants were actually made of styrofoam.

  5. "Conference Highlights," in: Journal of Professional Hairstyling, vol. 3, no. 2, Sept. 1991. Pp. 106-109.

  6. Et al.

  7. Per se.

  8. This was in 1928, two years before Heisenberg received the spatula.

  9. See also Mannheim, G., "Pre-Nilotic Cultural Dispersions and Food," and Myerson, B., "Oh My God Help Me I've Set My Hair on Fire," both in: Proc. Natural History & Food, vol 88, no. 12, Jan 1941.

  10. This is, of course, assuming that the speed of light is constant. So far, it appears to be.

  11. Et tu?

  12. Smith, P. "Fuck You," in: Annals of American Debating Society, vol. 9, no. 2, Aug. 1986. Pg. 1.

  13. Ibid two dollars.

  14. Another way to think of a ribosome is as a large seal, stuffed with walnuts.

  15. Bluggner, C.: "My Friend, Captain Picard," in: Journal of Articles Not Accepted Elsewhere, vol 2, no 28, March, 1996. Pp. 241-253.

  16. However, if the page were held upside down, this footnote would also appear upside-down.

  17. Review of Bio-Archeology (sorry, lost the magazine, but I think it was around Fall of 1992. It had a picture of a tomb on the cover).

  18. In 1792, after a long illness caused by a seal, Mozart returned to Vienna and the Duke's court. In his diary, he notes that he "[had] returned to Vienna" and that "the year is 1792." Hopewell (1984) cites this as proof of Mozart's deveolping neuralgia. He suggests that the condition had advanced so far as to have caused Mozart's death the previous year.

  19. Dulcem et decorum est pro patria mori.

  20. I saw this on a painting in Los Angeles.

  21. The two are often confused. The Gadsen Purchase was the acquisition of approximately 30,000 sq. mi. of land from Mexico in 1853. A spirochete is a motile, non-spore-forming bacterium having a highly twisted form.

  22. Brady, J. "The Secret Agony of Sally Struthers," in: Parade Magazine, vol 22, no 41, Oct. 1993. Pp. 2-5.

  23. George Washington (personal communication w/ author).

  24. Guevara, C., & F. Castro. "New Piston Design Causing Revolution in Detroit," in: Automobile News Weekly, vol 18, no. 12, July, 1988. Pg. 41.

  25. Illigitimi non carborundum.

(c) Mateo Burtch. Please Don't Duplicate w/o Permission. Thanks.